7 Phrases A Husband Uses When He Can’t Be Trusted, According To Pyschology
One day your husband starts saying things that make you question what he might be hiding. Mistrust has snuck into your love life by hiding behind a subtle phrase he is now using regularly.
When trust is questioned, the relationship begins to erode. When the relationship erodes from deceit, you look for more lies, half-truths, and concealed information. You will find more deception the more you look for it. The relationship spirals.
Here are seven phrases a husband uses when he can’t be trusted:
1. “Not tonight”
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If he is not interested in physical intimacy with his wife, that’s usually a sign something is going on, as suggested by the research of Ami Rokach, Ph.D.. It does not necessarily mean he’s having an affair. But he could be hiding an addictive behavior or a medical issue.
— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
2. “Me, me, me!”
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These types of guys are incredibly selfish egomaniacs. He is completely obsessed with himself and his image, and it’s always about him — never you.
He will talk about himself all the time and give you little time to speak. Your role is to make him feel good about himself and not bore him with all the minute details of your life, as supported by a study published by the Public Library of Science One Journal.
He also lacks empathy and will not stop for a moment to ask himself how his actions are affecting you. Worse still, he will criticize you and embarrass you in public.
— Randy Skilton, Educator
3. “Don’t touch my phone”
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They start closing windows quickly or getting angry if you come near them while on their phone or device, as shown by a 2017 study conducted by Professor Vera Lopez. Be careful with this one, however, as some people are simply more private than others, and it might be nothing to worry about.
— C. Mellie Smith, Writer
4. “That’s not what I said”
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When you ask them something, their story changes, doesn’t make sense, or they stonewall you. This is a classic. People who are lying to you (or are priming you for a betrayal) can’t stick to a story. As a result, they trip over their lies. In 2022 research, Daniel H. Wood explores how people who lie keep things vague or have too much detail in their stories.
If they don’t answer the question, they often will stonewall you or start a fight just to get you away from the topic at hand. Be prepared to see them change the subject when they start tripping stuff up. Pro tip: Gaslighting is a form of this. They are trying to change your idea of reality so it jives with what they want to do.
— Ossiana Tepfenhart, Author
5. “I don’t remember doing that”
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Deceptive people often claim a lack of memory as a way to cover the truth. This defense sets two traps for dissemblers:
First, to not remember what you did, you must have an extant memory of the event. By definition, to not remember something, you must have initially stored the information in your memory. The lack of memory indicates that the memory is stored in the brain but that the person cannot retrieve it.
Truthful people typically respond, “I don’t know.” Lack of memory suggests the person cannot retrieve a memory and, therefore, does not know what happened. Honest people strive to do anything they can to retrieve the memory of an event. Deceptive people do not want to reveal remembered information for fear of revealing the truth.
The second trap is similar. A person cannot say, “I don’t remember doing that,” unless the person remembers what he or she did. The word “that” suggests the person did not remember doing a specific set of actions.
To say, “I didn’t do that,” the person has to know what he or she did do. Logically, how can a person say he or she does not remember doing something when they have no memory of the event? The word “that” suggests a memory of an event.
The questioner’s response to this gambit should be, “What do you remember doing?” Honest people will tell you what they remember doing to support their alibi. The Behavioral and Brain Sciences Journal gives evidence that dishonest people usually cling to the lack of memory by saying, “I don’t know what I did.”
— Jack Schafer, Ph.D., Professor and Author
6. “What are you trying to say?”
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If someone is lying to you, and you ask questions that threaten to expose a lie, misplaced anger is a likely response. Let’s say you ask your spouse why they worked so late. Talking about it calmly (and probably with some venting about being too busy or some jerk of a boss) is normal if your spouse is being honest.
The question becomes threatening if asked and your spouse isn’t at work. Professor Marcia Baron explores how it is threatening because an honest answer might derail the relationship. When people are asked threatening questions, anger that seems out of place is not an uncommon response. You might be met with an aggravated “Why don’t you believe me?” or “What are you trying to say?”
— Joshua Mason, Public Safety Leader
7. Nothing at all
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There’s an increased silence when he is talking to other people in your presence that was not there before. When people don’t talk in your presence, there’s usually a reason. There may be things they want to discuss that they don’t want you to know about. Or you may be the subject of what they are talking about, and they don’t want you to overhear their conversation.
— Parthenia Izzard, Wellness Coach
Honesty is the foundation of a healthy marriage, and we must trust our partners completely to have a nurturing and beneficial relationship. Yet, people are fallible and when he messes up, he might conceal it with a turn of words.
Being open and truthful is vital for trust and a sense of stability, so be careful if he starts using these types of phrases regularly. The beginning of deception is your warning sign to get real with him and find out what the truth is as soon as possible.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.
